A Year To Get Things Right...: love

The concept of "the one" has plagued me for quite some time. Like many of you, I fell in love with someone a few years back and needless to say it didn't work out. No one, and I mean no one could tell me that he wasn't the one for me. They still can't. The fact that I have not forgotten or stopped loving this person is by far my greatest shortcoming. So let's get into this knee deep and see what the real issue is, shall we!?!

For years, I have replayed this one relationship over in my head at least a thousand times wondering what I could have done differently. The truth is, there is nothing I could have done differently because he simply didn't want me. That was by far the hardest thing to accept and I still haven't fully accepted that ridiculous tidbit. Yes, denial is a bitch and I walk her everyday! Things went down exactly how they were supposed to and whether they were right or wrong, it's pretty hard not to think about the "what if's". I mean this man moved me in ways I never even thought possible and yet he treated me like his worst enemy the last month of our relationship. It's funny how things can change from one day to the next. I know, I know many of you are probably like there had to be signs. You're right, there were signs and like every woman who has ever been swept off her feet I ignored those bastards. So naturally, when I got dropped on my ass for the infamous ex-girlfriend and all those red flags were what I used to dry my tears...my inner bull (yes, I'm a stubborn Taurus) began to emerge. Word of advice people, chalk the shit up and walk away. In retrospect that's what I should have done. Instead, I burrowed deep and spewed off at the mouth. It has come to bite me in my ass, but not the way I could have imagined.

You see, I told this man that he would never find anyone like me. I know very ballsy! I still feel this way and clearly I was and am still wrong. He is happily married and living the life. I, on the other hand am happily single and waiting to start a new life. What's even more interesting is that he said I'd never find another black man who was educated, had no children, good credit and his own place. He was wrong. Everyone since him has possessed all of those qualities, but none of them are as caring, giving, loving, thoughtful or considerate as he was during our stint together. Honestly, the real reason I believe I can't let go of this man is because I can't find those qualities in any man I happen to encounter. Either that or I am a glutton for punishment...who knows?!?

I think we get caught up in this headspace where we tell ourselves we will never have a love like the one we have lost. I don't necessarily believe this to be true, but I do believe that it will not be as easy to attain. You see, when we love like it's nobody's business and have nothing to show for it, mentally and emotionally we unravel and pick ourselves apart. Sadly enough, by the time we get ourselves together we have unknowingly built up some pretty high walls for the next Prince Charming or Wonder Woman to climb over and unless they have been practicing pole vaults in their spare time...they aren't going to make it over. I, my dears, have personally learned that no one is going to put in the work of tearing down walls that they haven't themselves built. We need to learn to make peace everyday, however we can, and start tearing down our walls. Also, we have to learn that this person will never come back to us and we have to be happy that they found love even though we haven't. It sucks being the bigger person in our own little world, but it is necessary in order to make peace with ourselves. I will confess, that periodically I will chat it up with this same man about random stupid stuff. Not because I'm trying to sway him back to me, but because sometimes just knowing that I can hit him up like any other regular person I know makes it easier to deal with not having him in my life. It's not the most conventional tactic, but it's mine. If we give "the one's" and our history with them so much energy and power, we will never see things for what they truly were. Stepping stones, growing pains, lessons learned, wake up calls or just plain ol' experiences. I've learned to pull only the positives from my experience as that has also helped me to accept the situation. By choosing to only embrace the positives I have been able to turn having my heart broken into learning things about myself. I encourage you all to confront yourself, your "the one" and your feelings about the situation. A new year is coming and I think we need to go into it a little lighter!

Here is to being fearless in your quest to prepare for the RIGHT ONE...

Mia

Beautiful. Intelligent. Witty. Sexy. Handsome. Many people long to hear these words fall from the lips of their peers, significant others and even strangers only to question whether or not they are truth. My question then becomes, does it matter? Hell no!

I have always been an advocate of loving and cherishing oneself regardless of the flaws that one may possess. I know this is easier said then done considering outside influences like peoples personal preferences, society and most of all media. But at what cost to our mental well being do we allow those things to influence how we feel about ourselves? Truth is, many of us are suffering from depression, anxiety and low self esteem because we don't think enough of who we are and what we bring to the world. Now, I am not saying to walk around thinking you're the hottest thing next to the second coming. But hold your head up and be proud of who you are, what you look like and where you are in life. The struggle is real and the fact that you are still standing and pushing says that you deserve and have earned your place here.

I have learned not to put too much emphasis on other peoples assessments, opinions and judgements regarding my beauty, weight and status in life. I happen to think I am pretty magical and I am sure many of you are special people as well. It just takes for you to shut out the world and really look at yourself. The other day I was chatting it up with a co-worker regarding what my next post was going to be and I told her I was tossing around the idea of a post about loving oneself . She then responded by saying very assertively, "Do I look like I give a fuck what people think" and laughed. At that moment I saw her true beauty. It was in her confidence and love of herself and all of her facets. Her comment made me think of men I dated that have mentioned my height, weight and social status as issues they couldn't see past. Having reflected on those situations, I realized I was never the problem. The problem was that they were insecure about how people would perceive us physically and socially. That being said, their rejection was a blessing in disguise.

See loves, we are all imperfectly perfect and if someone decides to come out of their pie hole and tell you otherwise...they suck. They are probably deflecting their insecurities off on you. However, I will say that if there is something that you don't like about yourself, than make a conscious positive effort to change. But if you happen to be changing yourself for validation from others, my dear your efforts will be futile and you will never see the fruits of your labor. You want to know why? Many people hate who they are and are faking the funk trying to be something they aren't. So don't go out and try to wrap yourself in pretty packaging when you are rotting away on the inside. Instead dig up those weeds, till your inner soil and plant new seeds. These new seeds are self affirmations and they need to be watered and nurtured every day. You can do this through fitness, yoga, reading, journaling, reflecting, leaving yourself love notes and even praying. Loving who you are is a great start to loving others for who they are and not judging them for who they are not.

It is your world...be the most beautiful person in it,

Mia