Keeping My Head Up…

I would like to apologize to my followers for not posting for quite sometime. Unfortunately, I have been under the weather and going through some personal issues. However, I am back and ready to blog it out. This one is personal though.

During this time away from my blog I have been noticing and experiencing many things regarding friendships, relationships, death, life and love. I contemplated for weeks on how I was going to return to my blog, especially since I am feeling many things emotionally. Honestly, many of the them are not exactly positive and trying to put a positive spin on some of them has proven rather difficult. After shedding many tears over the past few weeks, I have internalized many things and am currently taking inventory and responsibility for my current state of life. In this process, I have noticed that I may be taking too much responsibility because some stuff has nothing to do with me or things that I have or have not done. Being a bleeding heart is not helping this matter, but I am a work in progress and this is my journey.

So, one of my main concerns has been this blog. It has become evident that the people I really thought were going to support me haven't even taken the time to read, post or encourage this endeavor. Yet, people I never thought would even be in my life are on the sidelines cheering me on and I am forever grateful for them. Some of the sidebar feedback I received left me feeling defeated, but I had to remember that I can't control peoples perception of what I write and that this blog is MY personal journey. And no one is going to ruin this for me. I also realized that I made a big mistake asking some people to check out my blog and support. This is a safe space for both myself and my readers, especially those that comment. So, I must apologize to those of you who feel that I have allowed negativity into our space. I will be more mindful when sharing our space and thoughts.

Another concern for me has been my judgement or lack thereof and the previous paragraph is proof of that concern. I still can't manage to pick the right people to be in my life. As I write this very sentence, my heart is heavy. I don't think some people realize how the things they say and do come across whether it be via text, social media, phone convos and good ol' actions. I have encountered quite a lot of crap from people over the past few weeks and they seem oblivious to their actions and words. I must admit, I realize in retrospect that those people were purposely trying to hurt my feelings as a way to get me to back off and leave them alone without clearly stating that they didn't want me around. I got the message today loud and clear. Although it hurts, I get it and I am sorry I didn't get the hints sooner.

Like friendship, love has also been sending me on a kiddie roller coaster ride. I took a leap of faith and approached a gentleman on the train who continuously sought me out to greet me some mornings on the train. I, in an effort to see what the deal was, bought a blank card and made my move. I know, bold right! Well, he called and we spoke for 4 hours. My loves, it took 4 hours for him to tell me he had a girlfriend and although things aren't the best between them, he isn't into self sabotage. I was floored and disheartened by this current state of affairs. On top of all of the stuff I've been pushing through, there is a younger gentleman who has been in my life for about 4 months now. I am torn about whether I even want a friendship with this man. Nothing seems to come easy, everything seems forced, conversations are awkward and overall everything seems contrived. It's like punishment for being a hopeless romantic. If any of you out there are having this out of character experience, I feel your pain.

So with all of this stuff going on, I am trying to prepare for Christmas and decide on additions to this lovely blog I am trying to get off the ground. I want to let all of you know that all of my posts are things I have personally experienced and have decided to share. Granted some are in retrospect and some are recurring, but they are in no way shape or form meant to come across in ways that make someone feel as though they are being judged. Two people stated that my first few posts seemed angry and bitter. I assure you that although I am passionate about my life experiences and journey, I am in no way bitter or angry. Every post comes from a place of deep love and concern for others who may be experiencing the same things. I encourage feedback and dialogue, but most of all I encourage you to break free. This is not a place where you or your commentary will be embarrassed, ridiculed or argued with.  Please be patient with me, as I too am transitioning.

With that being said…I've missed you all and can't wait to read your comments going forward…

Loving you all(ways),

Mia