The next step!

To all of my loyal readers and followers...

I have purchased my domain! My new blog address is 365todobetter.com. I will no longer be posting here. Thank you for you constant support and I look forward to building with you in our new space!

Love,
Mia

The "One"

The concept of  "the one" has plagued me for quite some time. Like many of you, I fell in love with someone a few years back and needless to say it didn't work out. No one, and I mean no one could tell me that he wasn't the one for me. They still can't. The fact that I have not forgotten or stopped loving this person is by far my greatest shortcoming. So let's get into this knee deep and see what the real issue is, shall we!?!

For years, I have replayed this one relationship over in my head at least a thousand times wondering what I could have done differently. The truth is, there is nothing I could have done differently because he simply didn't want me. That was by far the hardest thing to accept and I still haven't fully accepted that ridiculous tidbit. Yes, denial is a bitch and I walk her everyday! Things went down exactly how they were supposed to and whether they were right or wrong, it's pretty hard not to think about the "what if's". I mean this man moved me in ways I never even thought possible and yet he treated me like his worst enemy the last month of our relationship. It's funny how things can change from one day to the next. I know, I know many of you are probably like there had to be signs. You're right, there were signs and like every woman who has ever been swept off her feet I ignored those bastards. So naturally, when I got dropped on my ass for the infamous ex-girlfriend and all those red flags were what I used to dry my tears...my inner bull (yes, I'm a stubborn Taurus) began to emerge. Word of advice people, chalk the shit up and walk away. In retrospect that's what I should have done. Instead, I burrowed deep and spewed off at the mouth. It has come to bite me in my ass, but not the way I could have imagined.

You see, I told this man that he would never find anyone like me. I know very ballsy! I still feel this way and clearly I was and am still wrong. He is happily married and living the life. I, on the other hand am happily single and waiting to start a new life. What's even more interesting is that he said I'd never find another black man who was educated, had no children, good credit and his own place. He was wrong. Everyone since him has possessed all of those qualities, but none of them are as caring, giving, loving, thoughtful or considerate as he was during our stint together. Honestly, the real reason I believe I can't let go of this man is because I can't find those qualities in any man I happen to encounter. Either that or I am a glutton for punishment...who knows?!? 

I think we get caught up in this headspace where we tell ourselves we will never have a love like the one we have lost. I don't necessarily believe this to be true, but I do believe that it will not be as easy to attain. You see, when we love like it's nobody's business and have nothing to show for it, mentally and emotionally we unravel and pick ourselves apart. Sadly enough, by the time we get ourselves together we have unknowingly built up some pretty high walls for the next Prince Charming or Wonder Woman to climb over and unless they have been practicing pole vaults in their spare time...they aren't going to make it over. I, my dears, have personally learned that no one is going to put in the work of tearing down walls that they haven't themselves built. We need to learn to make peace everyday, however we can, and start tearing down our walls. Also, we have to learn that this person will never come back to us and we have to be happy that they found love even though we haven't. It sucks being the bigger person in our own little world, but it is necessary in order to make peace with ourselves. I will confess, that periodically I will chat it up with this same man about random stupid stuff. Not because I'm trying to sway him back to me, but because sometimes just knowing that I can hit him up like any other regular person I know makes it easier to deal with not having him in my life. It's not the most conventional tactic, but it's mine. If we give "the one's" and  our history with them so much energy and power, we will never see  things for what they truly were. Stepping stones, growing pains, lessons learned, wake up calls or just plain ol' experiences. I've learned to pull only the positives from my experience as that has also helped me to accept the situation. By choosing to only embrace the positives I have been able to turn having my heart broken into learning things about myself. I encourage you all to confront yourself, your "the one" and your feelings about the situation. A new year is coming and I think we need to go into it a little lighter! 

Here is to being fearless in your quest to prepare for the RIGHT ONE...

Mia

Keeping My Head Up…

I would like to apologize to my followers for not posting for quite sometime. Unfortunately, I have been under the weather and going through some personal issues. However, I am back and ready to blog it out. This one is personal though.

During this time away from my blog I have been noticing and experiencing many things regarding friendships, relationships, death, life and love. I contemplated for weeks on how I was going to return to my blog, especially since I am feeling many things emotionally. Honestly, many of the them are not exactly positive and trying to put a positive spin on some of them has proven rather difficult. After shedding many tears over the past few weeks, I have internalized many things and am currently taking inventory and responsibility for my current state of life. In this process, I have noticed that I may be taking too much responsibility because some stuff has nothing to do with me or things that I have or have not done. Being a bleeding heart is not helping this matter, but I am a work in progress and this is my journey.

So, one of my main concerns has been this blog. It has become evident that the people I really thought were going to support me haven't even taken the time to read, post or encourage this endeavor. Yet, people I never thought would even be in my life are on the sidelines cheering me on and I am forever grateful for them. Some of the sidebar feedback I received left me feeling defeated, but I had to remember that I can't control peoples perception of what I write and that this blog is MY personal journey. And no one is going to ruin this for me. I also realized that I made a big mistake asking some people to check out my blog and support. This is a safe space for both myself and my readers, especially those that comment. So, I must apologize to those of you who feel that I have allowed negativity into our space. I will be more mindful when sharing our space and thoughts.

Another concern for me has been my judgement or lack thereof and the previous paragraph is proof of that concern. I still can't manage to pick the right people to be in my life. As I write this very sentence, my heart is heavy. I don't think some people realize how the things they say and do come across whether it be via text, social media, phone convos and good ol' actions. I have encountered quite a lot of crap from people over the past few weeks and they seem oblivious to their actions and words. I must admit, I realize in retrospect that those people were purposely trying to hurt my feelings as a way to get me to back off and leave them alone without clearly stating that they didn't want me around. I got the message today loud and clear. Although it hurts, I get it and I am sorry I didn't get the hints sooner.

Like friendship, love has also been sending me on a kiddie roller coaster ride. I took a leap of faith and approached a gentleman on the train who continuously sought me out to greet me some mornings on the train. I, in an effort to see what the deal was, bought a blank card and made my move. I know, bold right! Well, he called and we spoke for 4 hours. My loves, it took 4 hours for him to tell me he had a girlfriend and although things aren't the best between them, he isn't into self sabotage. I was floored and disheartened by this current state of affairs. On top of all of the stuff I've been pushing through, there is a younger gentleman who has been in my life for about 4 months now. I am torn about whether I even want a friendship with this man. Nothing seems to come easy, everything seems forced, conversations are awkward and overall everything seems contrived. It's like punishment for being a hopeless romantic. If any of you out there are having this out of character experience, I feel your pain.

So with all of this stuff going on, I am trying to prepare for Christmas and decide on additions to this lovely blog I am trying to get off the ground. I want to let all of you know that all of my posts are things I have personally experienced and have decided to share. Granted some are in retrospect and some are recurring, but they are in no way shape or form meant to come across in ways that make someone feel as though they are being judged. Two people stated that my first few posts seemed angry and bitter. I assure you that although I am passionate about my life experiences and journey, I am in no way bitter or angry. Every post comes from a place of deep love and concern for others who may be experiencing the same things. I encourage feedback and dialogue, but most of all I encourage you to break free. This is not a place where you or your commentary will be embarrassed, ridiculed or argued with.  Please be patient with me, as I too am transitioning.

With that being said…I've missed you all and can't wait to read your comments going forward…

Loving you all(ways),

Mia

Lets Talk About Sex ...Baby

A few weeks ago I was talking with a friend and we got on the subject of sex and how we put ourselves in situations where we regret having done the horizontal tango with a gentleman caller not quite deserving of the goodies. As our conversation proceeded, I thought of all of my sexual encounters and realized I have been in that situation more than I care to admit. What was worse than having had engaged in meaningless sex, was the feeling that lingered once the act was done. Complete and utter self loathing. I then wondered if men also experience the same type of self loathing. Hopefully, some of my male readers will leave some commentary.

As a woman I think we are more apt to feeling compassion, empathy and sympathy when it comes to men and their pursuit of the nookie. Normally we tend to consider how much time has been invested, any tokens of affection that may have been given and ultimately whether or not there is potential for more past the sexual encounter itself. These considerations usually come into play when we have been dating someone for a reasonable period of time and usually don't result in that feeling of self loathing. If nothing comes of the situation post sex, we can usually chalk it up to a lesson learned and another notch on our four poster bed. However, what do you do when you end up having sex with someone against your better judgement?

Yes, this is the dilemma many women face and often times agonize over because we didn't listen to our instincts and bail. I have learned to discern that regardless of how romantic, funny, smart and attractive a person is, that doesn't mean that I have to part my legs like the Red Sea and ride him like the lone ranger. As a matter of fact, I usually rely and sometimes summon that gut instinct that causes all of my red flags to go up and let me know that the situation is not worth it and in turn is going to end up going south. But sometimes we get weak, second guess ourselves because of some sorry excuse we conjured up and jump right in the sack. BIG MISTAKE. That type of sex is like an outer body experience where your conscious and vagina are in a corner coaching you through the situation so you don't cry. We usually walk away from these situations feeling and looking like hell and then wondering what happened. Truth is, we made a terrible decision and need to accept responsibility.

There is no sense in beating yourself up about the situation since it has already occurred. The best thing to do is evaluate why you questioned your judgement in the first place. This usually has something to do with underlying issues of trust resulting from previous decisions that went awry. In all honestly, sex with a partner is something that one should approach rationally. It may even mean cutting yourself off until you can better appreciate yourself and what gifts you and Ms. Kitty have to offer. Every time we sleep with someone, we leave a piece of ourselves with that person that we can never get back. After a while, you sit and reflect and realize how much of yourself you've given away and you have nothing to show for your gift giving. I have been there and it isn't pretty. It can leave you feeling bitter and angry, both with yourself and your partners. But lets be real, they have moved on and you're still trying to pick up the pieces of you that they threw away. YOU, my dear friend, are worth KEEPING. You are beautiful, intelligent, classy and PRICELESS. So the lesson here is to value what you have to offer sexually, trust your instincts and most of all make rational thought out decisions. You will thank yourself later when your husband is telling you how much he loves you and respects you sexually.

Heres to you and your good judgement,

Mia

The Skin You're In...

Beautiful. Intelligent. Witty. Sexy. Handsome. Many people long to hear these words fall from the lips of their peers, significant others and even strangers only to question whether or not they are truth. My question then becomes, does it matter? Hell no!

I have always been an advocate of loving and cherishing oneself regardless of the flaws that one may possess. I know this is easier said then done considering outside influences like peoples personal preferences, society and most of all media. But at what cost to our mental well being do we allow those things to influence how we feel about ourselves? Truth is, many of us are suffering from depression, anxiety and low self esteem because we don't think enough of who we are and what we bring to the world. Now, I am not saying to walk around thinking you're the hottest thing next to the second coming. But hold your head up and be proud of who you are, what you look like and where you are in life. The struggle is real and the fact that you are still standing and pushing says that you deserve and have earned your place here.

I have learned not to put too much emphasis on other peoples assessments, opinions and judgements regarding my beauty, weight and status in life. I happen to think I am pretty magical and I am sure many of you are special people as well. It just takes for you to shut out the world and really look at yourself. The other day I was chatting it up with a co-worker regarding what my next post was going to be and I told her I was tossing around the idea of a post about loving oneself . She then responded by saying very assertively, "Do I look like I give a fuck what people think" and laughed. At that moment I saw her true beauty. It was in her confidence and love of herself and all of her facets. Her comment made me think of men I dated that have mentioned my height, weight and social status as issues they couldn't see past. Having reflected on those situations, I realized I was never the problem. The problem was that they were insecure about how people would perceive us physically and socially. That being said, their rejection was a blessing in disguise. 

See loves, we are all imperfectly perfect and if someone decides to come out of their pie hole and tell you otherwise...they suck. They are probably deflecting their insecurities off on you. However, I will say that if there is something that you don't like about yourself, than make a conscious positive effort to change. But if you happen to be changing yourself for validation from others, my dear your efforts will be futile and you will never see the fruits of your labor. You want to know why? Many people hate who they are and are faking the funk trying to be something they aren't. So don't go out and try to wrap yourself in pretty packaging when you are rotting away on the inside. Instead dig up those weeds, till your inner soil and plant new seeds. These new seeds are self affirmations and they need to be watered and nurtured every day. You can do this through fitness, yoga, reading, journaling, reflecting, leaving yourself love notes and even praying. Loving who you are is a great start to loving others for who they are and not judging them for who they are not. 

It is your world...be the most beautiful person in it,

Mia

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Alone Again...ABSOLUTELY!!!

Many of you are probably reading this and asking whether or not I am serious about being happily alone. The truth is... I am. There is nothing like the peace of mind that comes with only being responsible and accountable for oneself. I will not lie and tell you that it doesn't get lonely, because it definitely does have its moments. I have found myself many a night drinking wine straight from the bottle, in my darkened apartment, listening to LL Cool J's "I Need Love" all while hanging half off my couch in my own pity. The upside to that feeling of loneliness is that it is temporary. The sun will rise and sure as shit I will have another day to make things happen for myself or at least try to meet someone new. I just have to change my frame of mind and be realistic about the situation.

At some point we have all sat and wondered why we are single or alone in general. The harsh reality is that either you or someone you were involved with felt that the relationship or friendship was no longer worth the effort and you or they needed time to get things together. That's right! We are not as fantastic as we think, they are not as stupid as we believe and the situation is no longer working for one or all parties involved. I personally have been on both ends of the spectrum and can attest to it being harder to hear rather than say that a relationship/friendship is ending. Be it as it may, we are alone again....absolutely. 

So, now that we are back here ...again. We are faced with the task of finding something to do with all this free time that will not cause us to be self destructive . I chose to get to know myself and change the things that needed to be changed. As a matter of fact, I am 3 years into this period of change. That's right, I threw a very thorough and drawn out pity party and then began to process who I was and what I wanted out of life. This is hard to do if you are focused on a man/woman/friend who already doesn't like what you are about. I know,...I know...many of you don't like being alone. Well, if you don't like being with yourself; what in the world makes you think someone else wants to be in your company?!? Many people avoid reflecting on the who, what, why, where and how's post split or life changing event. It's the biggest mistake one can ever make, trust me. You have to process the nonsense, come to terms with it and devise a plan to be better. It is only then can you appreciate your journey and where it is taking you. I've had friends and lovers walk out of my life because they saw something in me that didn't quite jive with what their lives were about. I have also hauled ass out of a relationship because there were things that didn't sit well with what I thought was right for my vida loca. It happens and it isn't the end of the world. It's an opportunity to be the best YOU possible. 

Too many of us get stuck in this mindset of having to be in a relationship or having people around. That my dear friends is a sad way to live and usually results in lack of creativity, motivation and progress. The only relationship you need is the one you're in with yourself and the only company you  need to be happy in is your own. We have to learn to appreciate ourselves, our imperfections and our growth. You can't do that if you are too busy being in denial or trying to find the next big thing to distract you from your full potential. You will be a better friend, partner and lover for having  invested  in yourself and your purpose.

Taking a look in the mirror isn't always easy, but at some point you're going to have to love the person looking back at you.

Loving the new you already,

Mia

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Fractured under the weight of friendship

Friend... I have learned to use this term loosely, if at all. When confronted with the task of deciding whether I want to be "friends" with someone I literally have an anxiety attack. In my 31 years of existence I have yet to master the art of friendship and the weight it carries. I usually attract needy, dysfunctional and selfish people who are looking for someone to latch on to and suck dry. However, every 7 years or so if I am lucky, I encounter that one person who makes me get on my knees and thank Jesus for having mercy on my sanity. Now that person is a FRIEND. They require little to no effort and know exactly what to say and do and when to say it and do it! This post isn't about those FRIENDS though. This post is about the other 95% who make me wish like hell the world stopped spinning so I can get off! Yes, some of you are probably reading this and wondering if you're that person...truth is....you probably are that person! So stop it!

So, last week I stop in to talk to a buddy of mine and he's telling me how he wants this great group of friends who are self sufficient and independently functioning yet considerate people. After listening to him I'm like, " Hell yea, me too" but realistically could I handle that? As I thought more about the subject I realized I have been the rock in many of my relationships and friendships. I am the person they can always count on,but heaven forbid I need to a shoulder to lean on! It's as if I'm asking for them to take a bullet. I have learned that these people are the hardest to get rid of for two reasons; they feed our egos and they aren't letting go without a fight. Don't be fooled though! It's not because they appreciate our friendship or love us to pieces. No, no, no...it is because they have already broken us in and worn us down. That's right, they are smarter than we think. The weight that these friendships place on our sanity and emotional well being is unhealthy. There are times I want to scream and punch people right in the mouth, but what good would it do to someone who can't see anything but themselves and their problems. Instead, I slowly start to back away and sometimes I don't do it slowly. I have learned that some friendships need to end just as quickly as they began. It's not easy, but neither is being broken down into tiny pieces under the weight of other peoples problems, concerns and short comings.

People don't realize that the minute they open their mouths and start complaining or dishing their drama they are transferring their negative energy to the other person. It is the transferring of this energy that results in that person feeling lighter and you feeling negative and uncomfortable. Many of us deal with this for years before deciding enough is enough. Yes, you will be the bad guy for putting yourself first. Yes, you are selfish because this ONE time you don't want to hear anyone's crap. Yes, you will start to lose "friends" the moment you start putting yourself and your sanity first. But, for all those people who walk out of your life because you've changed and want to be "selfish and inconsiderate", there will be room for new people to enter. Trust me, when you come across these people they are like breaths of fresh air. They add to your existence as opposed to taking away from it. These will be the people that help you shed your old skin and find new and more comfortable attire. These will be the people who are there when you take your last breath because you have become a part of the air they breathe.

I encourage you all to step out on a limb and put yourself first. Evaluate those around you and see if you can breathe without them. If you can, odds are it's time to let them go! If you can't, nurture and nourish that relationship, because it is helping to give you life!

Breathing you all in,
Mia