The "One"

The concept of  "the one" has plagued me for quite some time. Like many of you, I fell in love with someone a few years back and needless to say it didn't work out. No one, and I mean no one could tell me that he wasn't the one for me. They still can't. The fact that I have not forgotten or stopped loving this person is by far my greatest shortcoming. So let's get into this knee deep and see what the real issue is, shall we!?!

For years, I have replayed this one relationship over in my head at least a thousand times wondering what I could have done differently. The truth is, there is nothing I could have done differently because he simply didn't want me. That was by far the hardest thing to accept and I still haven't fully accepted that ridiculous tidbit. Yes, denial is a bitch and I walk her everyday! Things went down exactly how they were supposed to and whether they were right or wrong, it's pretty hard not to think about the "what if's". I mean this man moved me in ways I never even thought possible and yet he treated me like his worst enemy the last month of our relationship. It's funny how things can change from one day to the next. I know, I know many of you are probably like there had to be signs. You're right, there were signs and like every woman who has ever been swept off her feet I ignored those bastards. So naturally, when I got dropped on my ass for the infamous ex-girlfriend and all those red flags were what I used to dry my tears...my inner bull (yes, I'm a stubborn Taurus) began to emerge. Word of advice people, chalk the shit up and walk away. In retrospect that's what I should have done. Instead, I burrowed deep and spewed off at the mouth. It has come to bite me in my ass, but not the way I could have imagined.

You see, I told this man that he would never find anyone like me. I know very ballsy! I still feel this way and clearly I was and am still wrong. He is happily married and living the life. I, on the other hand am happily single and waiting to start a new life. What's even more interesting is that he said I'd never find another black man who was educated, had no children, good credit and his own place. He was wrong. Everyone since him has possessed all of those qualities, but none of them are as caring, giving, loving, thoughtful or considerate as he was during our stint together. Honestly, the real reason I believe I can't let go of this man is because I can't find those qualities in any man I happen to encounter. Either that or I am a glutton for punishment...who knows?!? 

I think we get caught up in this headspace where we tell ourselves we will never have a love like the one we have lost. I don't necessarily believe this to be true, but I do believe that it will not be as easy to attain. You see, when we love like it's nobody's business and have nothing to show for it, mentally and emotionally we unravel and pick ourselves apart. Sadly enough, by the time we get ourselves together we have unknowingly built up some pretty high walls for the next Prince Charming or Wonder Woman to climb over and unless they have been practicing pole vaults in their spare time...they aren't going to make it over. I, my dears, have personally learned that no one is going to put in the work of tearing down walls that they haven't themselves built. We need to learn to make peace everyday, however we can, and start tearing down our walls. Also, we have to learn that this person will never come back to us and we have to be happy that they found love even though we haven't. It sucks being the bigger person in our own little world, but it is necessary in order to make peace with ourselves. I will confess, that periodically I will chat it up with this same man about random stupid stuff. Not because I'm trying to sway him back to me, but because sometimes just knowing that I can hit him up like any other regular person I know makes it easier to deal with not having him in my life. It's not the most conventional tactic, but it's mine. If we give "the one's" and  our history with them so much energy and power, we will never see  things for what they truly were. Stepping stones, growing pains, lessons learned, wake up calls or just plain ol' experiences. I've learned to pull only the positives from my experience as that has also helped me to accept the situation. By choosing to only embrace the positives I have been able to turn having my heart broken into learning things about myself. I encourage you all to confront yourself, your "the one" and your feelings about the situation. A new year is coming and I think we need to go into it a little lighter! 

Here is to being fearless in your quest to prepare for the RIGHT ONE...

Mia

Alone Again...ABSOLUTELY!!!

Many of you are probably reading this and asking whether or not I am serious about being happily alone. The truth is... I am. There is nothing like the peace of mind that comes with only being responsible and accountable for oneself. I will not lie and tell you that it doesn't get lonely, because it definitely does have its moments. I have found myself many a night drinking wine straight from the bottle, in my darkened apartment, listening to LL Cool J's "I Need Love" all while hanging half off my couch in my own pity. The upside to that feeling of loneliness is that it is temporary. The sun will rise and sure as shit I will have another day to make things happen for myself or at least try to meet someone new. I just have to change my frame of mind and be realistic about the situation.

At some point we have all sat and wondered why we are single or alone in general. The harsh reality is that either you or someone you were involved with felt that the relationship or friendship was no longer worth the effort and you or they needed time to get things together. That's right! We are not as fantastic as we think, they are not as stupid as we believe and the situation is no longer working for one or all parties involved. I personally have been on both ends of the spectrum and can attest to it being harder to hear rather than say that a relationship/friendship is ending. Be it as it may, we are alone again....absolutely. 

So, now that we are back here ...again. We are faced with the task of finding something to do with all this free time that will not cause us to be self destructive . I chose to get to know myself and change the things that needed to be changed. As a matter of fact, I am 3 years into this period of change. That's right, I threw a very thorough and drawn out pity party and then began to process who I was and what I wanted out of life. This is hard to do if you are focused on a man/woman/friend who already doesn't like what you are about. I know,...I know...many of you don't like being alone. Well, if you don't like being with yourself; what in the world makes you think someone else wants to be in your company?!? Many people avoid reflecting on the who, what, why, where and how's post split or life changing event. It's the biggest mistake one can ever make, trust me. You have to process the nonsense, come to terms with it and devise a plan to be better. It is only then can you appreciate your journey and where it is taking you. I've had friends and lovers walk out of my life because they saw something in me that didn't quite jive with what their lives were about. I have also hauled ass out of a relationship because there were things that didn't sit well with what I thought was right for my vida loca. It happens and it isn't the end of the world. It's an opportunity to be the best YOU possible. 

Too many of us get stuck in this mindset of having to be in a relationship or having people around. That my dear friends is a sad way to live and usually results in lack of creativity, motivation and progress. The only relationship you need is the one you're in with yourself and the only company you  need to be happy in is your own. We have to learn to appreciate ourselves, our imperfections and our growth. You can't do that if you are too busy being in denial or trying to find the next big thing to distract you from your full potential. You will be a better friend, partner and lover for having  invested  in yourself and your purpose.

Taking a look in the mirror isn't always easy, but at some point you're going to have to love the person looking back at you.

Loving the new you already,

Mia

http://www.thatartista.com